Hard

For some reason, I feel this year is going to be hard. Not just work wise (which is something I am genuinely worrying about too) but emotionally. Things are going to hopefully change. If they do, it's going to be hard but if they don't that will be even harder for me. I am looking forward to the prospect of change but I also fearing it.

A few nights ago, when I went to bed, a strange feeling of fear and sudden insecurity for NO REASON. I actually cannot explain why I felt like that. I just did. I guess my lack of confidence in myself will probably never go away completely, I can only try and keep it at bay, locked up tight. I have no reason to feel like this at all. I'm so confused. It's hard to understand myself at the moment. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do, except to keep it locked up and get on with things, it's my only option right now. Sigh :/

Although, at the pub the other night I realised something. As usual, I felt a bit insecure and un-superior to all the girls in the bathroom dressed up and looking amazing yet some how still complaining about their hair. But the second time I was in there I heard some girls talking about how they didn't want boyfriends because that was too much hassle. They were talking about their one night stands and I thought, how sad, no wonder women are treated like shit by some men, they bring it upon themselves, they only have themselves to blame. When I got back to the table with all my friends I told them about what I heard and Matt said something that actually made me feel a whole lot better. He said that "I don't want a boyfriend because it's too much hassle" actually translates to "I can't get a boyfriend because I'm a slag". It's harsh but very true. It made me realise that I shouldn't care if there are other better women out there, I have someone who truly loves me for who I am so why should I care what anybody else thinks? As long as I can keep thinking that to myself I know I'll be alright.