Let it go.

I can't it anymore. I can't stand being here. My parents nagging at me for evety little thing. I've always had alot of freedom, and I appriciate that but now I'm fed up with being here. I don't think it's their fault, it's just me, growing to big for my shoes as it were. I'm ready to leave and I know I'll probably regret saying this when I'm at uni and I'm finding it hard to look after myself.
A few weeks back when I had to go to a wedding anniversary of some distant relative I was asked if I was looking foward to moving out and going to uni. I said, of course I can't wait, I just really want to get of my house now. And apparently, my parents took it to offence. Especially my dad, he'd thought they'd done something wrong to make me want to leave. I was so...shocked! I thought they'd want me to leave! Especially because that past week I'd been such a bitch to everyone, I don't know why, just a mini mental fucking breakdown I think. I tried to explain to my mum, it wasn't their fault, I'm just ready to leave because everything is just stressing me out at the moment. Infact with all the things that are currently going on in my life it's a miracle I haven't gone half-crazy or something. But I've been through much, much worse before. Well, I've certainly felt much worse anyway. Maybe I feel I have a lot more people to support me now.

And now I'm wondering if I'm really helping someone, or just making things so much worse. I try to help, always. I'm not great at solving problems or saying the right thing or making people feel better. All I can do is listen and maybe try to make things seem a bit better than they are. I wish I had the ability to make people feel better I really do. If other people are upset, it makes me feel upset.
And I'm feeling guilty, for the first time in a long, long time. The fact I haven't felt that guilty at all makes me feel like an even worse person. But, I guess, I can just tell myself it's not my fault. I don't blame anyone and I don't hate anyone, even if I'm hated. Besides, they probably have a good reason to hate me.
Eugh and now I'm just talking crap, I'm so stupid. No one else wants to listen though so I guess I'll just post my feelings here and vent it to the world wide web! I've never been the one for talking about myself, I only say things if people ask me now, because I feel I probably bore people to death. I'm much more conservative about my feelings now, I've had to toughen up. Not sure whether that's a good or bad thing but oh well! "That's life, that's what all the people say!"

So this means I'm a listener, and recently I have been listening to my friends talking about, well you guessed it, blokes. One girl is complaining how her boyfriend (who she's been with for an amazing 5 years) is going out all the time. I think she's just jealous, but to be fair to him, he's only just turned 18 and as she's not 18 yet she can't go out with him and "moniter" him as it were. She doesn't trust him which is worrying. What's even more worrying is that she said "sometimes I think it would be easier to be single and then I wouldn't have anything to worry about". Trust me, I'm single and still have plenty to worry about!!! More to worry about than her infact. It's quite bad that she doesn't trust him, she didn't like the fact he spent his birthday with both boys and girls. I mean for fucks sake. A bloke is allowed to have friends of the same sex! Surely she can have a little faith in him for once.
Another friend is still in love with her boyfriend who broke up with her after he went to uni. The worst part was he got another girlfriend very quickly afterwards. And she's met her, and she's lovely apparently. So I feel very sorry for my poor friend. She's never talked about the breakup much, she's a very private kind of person but she was so close the tears the other day saying how she's been having dreams about him. Again, I wish there was something I could do. It made me feel bad talking about my problems so I've decided to keep it to a minimum from now on. Only talk about it if asked...

Currently listening to: Pink-Sober (bimbo jones remix)
"I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me but why do I feel this party's over?"