Angrysadannoyedconfusedface

Yes that is a lot of feelings to be feeling but mostly, at this moment in time it's anger. It's a conflict of emotions it's like I'm angry at someone but I couldn't possibly blame them because I understand but at the same time I think if you care that much you'd make more of an effort! Oh God my brain and my heart are going to explode :@. When will this crazy madness end?! I've never felt angry, not like this. Sigh.

On a massive fucking plus point, I am an official Sony beta tester! Fucking get in! A friend I had recently made on twitter (flirting obviously pays off!!!) refered me to Sony (they were allowed to invite one person to the MAG beta) so now I'm downloading the beta. Woohoo! Can't waaaait, although my friend has been having problems with downloading/installing it but hopefully it will okay, is about 50% of the way through now. I'm supposed to be keeping quiet about this but it's not really working haha! Oh well what are Sony going to do? Steal my Ps3? It's not as if it's a secret anyway, everyone can see what you're playing on the PSN anyways!

I'm going out tonight with Yaz and Marnie, should be a laugh, can drink and dance my sorrows away. It's a student night so the clubs will be cheap, and drinks at Rute 66 are gunna be £1. Epic win. I've got about a third of a rum bottle to drink first anyway at Marnies'. I'm going round hers at 8pm, going out early-ish at 9pm because Yaz wants to meet someone down there or something? I'm unsure but whatever. I shouldn't be looking foward to it but I am, which is good :)

Lonely Day

Ahh my womb really hurts :( lol. Stupid female body! Taken some painkillers, hoping it will wear off soon.
Today I was alone by myself in the house (leading me to sing system of a downs "lonely day" to myself all day), my dad was spending the day helping his friends get to the airport, my mum is at work until 5 and my sister decided to go out shopping (although she is back now). I had to lend her all my money (£15) because she's forgotten to ask dad for money before he left. So I gave her money and she went off out with her friend. Thus I was by myself for a fair few hours. I don't like being alone, I'm a people person, always have been although I'm getting more and more used to doing things by myself which is good. I will have to get used to it at Uni! I don't even like going shopping by myself only because it's not nice not having anyone to talk to. But hey, might make a few girly friends at uni I can go out with I suppose :). I'll cope. Turns out tomorrow all my family will be out all day again, so I'll be by myself all day again :(

Still worried about Martyn, whatever it is he's going to keep private which is understandable of course, it's up to him. I just hope he can sort things up, he knows we're all here for him if he needs us anyway. That's what great about the minions, no matter what each of us do, we're still all here for each other, that's a great friendship group right there.

For most of the day I've been playing on the Xbox (shock horror!), good old dead or alive, one exclusive I wish was not an exclusive to Microsoft. Then I had lunch...of sorts...okay it consisted of crisps and an ice-cream bar...hmm. Well anyway, afterwards I turned on the PS3 and then decided there wasn't actually anything I wanted to play...then I remembered my dad had brought Overboard! yesterday. Overboard! is an old PS1 game, kinda tricky to find now, where you are a little pirate ship, seen from birds' eye view. It's called overboard! because when your ship catches on fire, all the little men jump overboard and you have to save them before they drown! Is a bit mental but fun, brought back memories, haven't played it since I was a little kid! I remember the music and the little parrot on the loading screen! It's a parrot, sitting on a bomb, looking down nervously at it until it explodes, turning the parrot black haha. Oh good memories! Dad got it at a car-boot sale for 75p yesterday, epic win :)

John tweeted something this morning which was both horrible and scary. Horrible because it was about a gang of kids and how'd they tried to hang a 7 year old boy! And scary because this happened in Portsmouth, in a park down the end of my fucking road! My sister has just gone to the park with her friend. I did think about warning her but there's no point in worrying her and the likely-hood of it happening again are slim. She's gone with a friend and they're 14, not 7, so they should be fine. Scary to think there are kids like that living in my are though! I knew there was a reason why I didn't walk through that park at night...thank God kingston is a safe town! Safest in London I think :)

And I'm still waiting, I think I'm going to be waiting a long time for things to change. I wonder how long it will be? Gah, why do I do this to myself? :S

Currently listening to: Maximo Park-Apply some pressure
"What happens when you lose everything? You just start again. You start all over again. You know that I would love to see you in that dress, I hope that I will love to see you undress"

Feelin' teh <3

"Oh hai"

This morning my day was made. I have never felt as loved and as wanted as I do now. I seem to forget from time to time how lucky I am. It's the stress, when you don't have someone to hug you at the end of the day, all you can rely on are words to make you feel better and it usually works, luckily enough for me. I spose things will be better at uni, I may be more lonely at times, but at least I won't have the stress of parents, only stresses caused by myself, so it will be my own fault, no one to blame. Which is a good thing, I think. Oh I dunno, I can't really think my head really hurts :S

Today I had to sort out my uni housing stuff. I literally got the letter for it yesterday and it has to be at the uni by tuesday! Bit ridiculous! Otherwise they give my room to someone else, I think they wouldn't do that so soon, it's just a threat so people will reply quickly I think. Got invited to go to the beach with Marn, it was a lovely day but I had stuff to get on with after lunch so it wouldn't leave me much time. Plus, sitting at the beach is rather boring. So, it was vidzone, a chat with Bossman and then after lunch me and mum drove to the supermarket/shopping centre. We found a photo-booth (I needed two passport photos for uni I.D cards), first photo I took was fine, that's a first! But after they printed, because my hair was still a bit damp from this mornings shower, it made my hair look greasy in the photo! Oh well, no one will be looking at my hair in a tiny photo so it's cool. We then went home, I put all the documents I had to sign in an envelope, my dad wrote a check for the deposit, sealed it all up and walked up down the road with my sister to post it. It's 1st class so it should be there by tuesday, I hope so anyway!

Played some MGO later on, Stew had started playing again which is good. There were 10 people at the peak, not bad! Had some great games as always :) Afterwards I went on my xbox for a bit (have been pineing for a bit of dead or alive action recently) played it for 5 minutes and the disk got stuck. So I thought fuck this and decided to go and watch some Mighty Boosh with my sister. Couldn't pay much attention, was laughing as much as I usually would. I have this weird headache, can't seem to keep up with conversations or feel much emotion. Is weird. Hope it wears off soon. Some chocolate and tea will sort me out.

M seems a little down today, not sure what's up, he said something but I won't mention it here for obvious reasons. I told him I'm here if he needs to talk, he said "Thank you honey, means alot :)". Honey is a new one haha! Aww bless him :( Hope he's alright, I really do. As I always say, my ears are always open to all my friends, in case anyone needs a private chat, I am here :).

Adulthood-When no one comes to give you a kiss. Yeah, pretty much :/

Last night I ended up staying up until gone 3! It was mental, I had an (at least) four hour conversation about the most random crap with Stew! It began with slagging off Brad Pitt and somehow moved onto religion. Thus we created our own religion, monkeybutlersecksbeerlighteningianity, we thought it had a certain ring to and summed up our religion quite well. Basically, lots of free beer and monkey butlers were involved. Sex or "secks" is predominate in our culture and lightening is the answer to ALL. Join or die :D

At about 3am, my dad actually came downstairs to tell me it was ridiculous to be up at this time. Like seriously, wtf. I think it is my decision, whether I am up or not, I will be doing the same thing at uni, I expect. It is "ridiculous" that he came downstairs to check up on me. Plus, my parents are damn lucky I didn't turn out to be some chav slut who goes out every night, gets pissed and fucks a random stranger. I did say this to my dad (obv I said sex instead of fuck!) and he just turned it into a joke. He turns eveything into a joke when it's not appropiate. It really annoys me sometimes. Like, when I worked at Currys, he made a joke to Kelv (my boss) when I was right there in my own home. That he'd only have to watch out for me if I "started sitting ontop of washing machines." I mean seriously! One, that's an incrediably sexist thing to say, any woman would be offended by that! And two, I'm your daughter, so that's a rather sick thing to say but he just doesn't think, he has no tact. And it really pisses me off. He's not racist, or homophobic or sexist, he can just act like it sometimes because he says something wrong. It's an easy mistake to make, especially as my dad is so naive, bless him (he didn't know what nonce meant, he just said it, me and mum said it was a nasty thing to say, dad didn't realise it was homophobic! It's amazing at what he doesn't know, he'd never heard of crystal meth before either :S). But I know, in my heart of hearts he doesn't mean it, I just wish he'd watch his mouth sometimes.

Funny that I was writing about this and something simular had happened just now and now I'm discussing various things with JB. For example, I was just saying how sometimes I feel I have to just except sexist jokes nowadays because if I say "hey, I find that offensive" people pressume I'm some sort of feminist. So I have to accept it. For example, a lot of people use the phrase "like a girl or you big girl". Now I should find that offensive because, well it's obvious that it's demeaning to women. Especially as I like to think I'm different from "most" women, well let's say 70%? Different from the other 70%. Yeah. I dunno about percentages but anyway shut the fuck up Laura, you're rambling. What I am TRYING to say is, sometimes you just have to take things in good humour. I take the piss out of my own sex (mainly because I agree that some of us, can be pretty annoying/dumb but then again, is the same for blokes). But my humour is pretty relaxed, I will laugh at pretty much everything, it's unlikely something will offend me nowadays but of course, EVERYONE gets offended, at some point. But hey, it's not the worst thing in the world to happen. As long as the person didn't mean to offend you, it shouldn't matter, right?

Had another mini-arguement with my parents earlier. Seriously, they go out to the hospital and then shopping and they expect all the chores to be done? Wtf. I'd happily do them if I was asked to do some but my dad came back and got all sarky when he was "surprised" that I hadn't taken the dog out for a walk. He's not my dog. He's yours. You never cleaned out my rabbit, I don't walk the dog, okay? Sheesh. Plus I was never ASKED to, you don't just fuck off out and expect things to be done, name one teenager who does that? I'm living on my own soon, I'll have to do everything for myself so fuck doing anymore than I need to now! Lol! God I just can't wait to get away. Yes it will be hard and as scary as fuck but fuck having anymore petty fucking arguements. I really think I may have killed myself if I'd failed and had to have stayed here another year!!!!!!

I'm not in a great mood at the moment, as you might have realised. I think it's just tiredness. That and it seems there is no "surprise" my mum and dad are going out for a meal with Sue and Kelv tomorrow night. And they're going for curry so they don't have to take me and Sam. Great, another evening in with fuck all to do. I dunno what mum and dad were whispering about the other day though, that does somewhat confuse me. Oh well. Wish I felt more...what's the word, appriciated? Yeah, that's it.

Currently listening to: Within Temptation-Forgiven
"You'll always be mine, I know that inside, all that's done is forgiven."

Results days celebrations

Well last night I decided to go out with my good friend Alice to the student pub, the Reg. We walked there, it was a lovely evening, we had a discussion about religion and things. We knew a group of people when we got there, were IDed several times before we were allowed to drink. I got a glass of Pimms, we then sat down with Alices' friends. They weren't close friends of hers but she knew them better than I did, they all went to our college. I couldn't help feeling ignored as they asked Alice how she did but not me. The nicer people though like Dave asked how I did and I asked in return. Alice made the point of actually, very few people had failed and therefore not gotten into the university they wanted to go to. Which was brillaint! There wasn't many unhappy people, but I guess you may not go out if you'd failed!

Anyway as the night progessed on we met alot more chatty people, or should I say drunken, and we slowly got more and more tipsy. A guy called Lewis, who really, really reminded me of Quentin Tarantino for some reason! Said he hadn't seen me since new years eve and I said oh God don't remind me, it was so embarassing. But he didn't laugh at me or anything, he said he'd been sick that night too (in his mates house and in the street) and that he didn't remember anything past 11pm except sitting on Alices' sofa with a bucket on his head while Alice begged him not to throw up on her parents brand new carpet. Sounded a laugh! Infact a couple of other people I saw at Alices' new years party were there, none of them brought it up though thank God, Sam is one of those people to look down at you for things like that but he didn't so that was great. Infact he spent most of the night taking the piss out of Alice because she pronounced Trident with an e sound instead of the normal a sound. It makes sense because it's spelt with an e but it still sounded funny. Also, Alice had seen Pearl Jam at the O2 a couple of nights ago so she talked about how Black was the best song ever written all night to various different people. Jake kept argueing that it wasn't, even though he'd never listened to it!

Anyway, Lewis was pretty drunk, by the end of the night he'd had all 11 cocktails on the cocktail menu plus 2 pimms, two jagerbombs...god knows what else. The Reg closed at 12, a little earlier than usual! Me and Alice were going to walk home, we'd thought it be good to walk lewis home to as he was so drunk! The entire time we walked home I needed to pee, damn alcohol goes straight through me and it was half an hour walk! I held on though, thank God. The entire way home Alice was looking after Lewis and they were having drunken rants about people who pissed them off (namely jayne and Emma). I couldn't even begin to get involved, I was concentrating on getting home, fast. Plus I had no problems with those people, I couldn't relate but I could see why they hated them, they had fucked them over. I hate it when so called friends do that.

Lewis turned to me and said "List 10 people that you hate" and I said that I didn't really hate anyone! Alice then said "Laura's an amazing person, she doesn't hate anyone, she's lovely!" which was a really sweet thing to say and Lewis agreed that I was lovely. Aww, I really was feeling the love yesterday! Alice walked Lewis on home and said that she's text her brother so he'd make sure she'd get home okay, I asked her to send me a text when she got in and she did. Before I went to bed properlly last night, I read through all my text messages I got through that day and (this is going to sound weird) but I actually started crying. Proper, full on crying, I couldn't stop! But they were tears of happiness, tears of realising what fantastic friends I have, how many people do actually care about me. Everything is just such a relief, all this stress has been worth it because my life is now finally moving foward, I just feel so positive about my future now. It's taking a wee while for the impact to calm down! Plus I suppose the alcohol didn't help, obviously made me over-emotional! But I want to thank all the people who said I could do it, who had faith in me and who sent me lovely messages. It really does mean the world to me. Even though there have been conflicts recently, I know I have the best friends in the world, I dunno what I would do without you guys <3

Ahh this is making me emotional again :') I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and saw my right eyelid was all gross and swollen. Great. I have conjuctivitus! I'm supposed to be going out for dinner tonight! Though I really don't feel like it, but I can't leave Stacey by herself, she didn't know if anyone was even going or not! Poor woman. I have to go...even though I've got this damn horrible cold and such. I'll text Jo and see if I can go with her...otherwise...well I don't really want to go alone!!! Oh man, I need some sort of magic potion please. I've been looking up uni stuff this morning, turns out I will need to take a crappy TV with me to uni although I have to pay a TV licence, I have no idea how much that will cost! My parents have a spare TV I think though. I'll need one for my PS3 :D Well, when I get one that is :/ I also found out that I can indeed have over-night guests for up to two nights in a row, as long as they sign in and it's a maximum of 6 visits a term or something? It's brilliant that they even allow that! I thought I might have to bring friends round in secret or something haha. Yet more forms to fill out, I will have to discuss this all with mum later.

Currently listening to: Florence + the machine-Drumming song
"There's a drumming noise inside my head and it starts when you're around, I swear that you could hear it it makes such an almighty sound. As I move my feet towards your body I can feel this beat, it fills my head up and gets louder and louder!"
LOVE this song :D

The big day!

This morning I woke up at 7, I could hardly sleep last night, I kept waking up randomly. I went back to sleep and was awoken by my alarm at 8:45. My legs felt dead as I walked downstairs, I had some cereal but couldn't eat it all, I was SO nervous I felt physically sick. It turns out I had nothing to worry about. I got to Alices' on time and we waited for Bex who was almost late. We waited outside to wait for her and she came running down the road, ahh Bex, even on results day, she's always late. She told us she hadn't got into Uni, she'd checked UCAS before even going to college. She said she was okay with it, she'd been told of some cool gap year options she had for next year instead. So off we went to college, we got a bit nervous because we saw no one else walking to college!
That was because everyone else was already there, there was a big crowd gathering inside (it was absolutly boiling in there!), we got in the middle of the crowd. They were waiting for the headmaster (good old smiley Frampy!!!!) to open up the hall so people could get their results. We only had to wait for a minute until they let the crowd pour in. There was a damn photographer taking pictures as we walked into the hall, nervous student faces ftw?! I may have been in the background of one of them but thankfully he didn't come over to us later on to take our picture or anything. I ran over to catch up with Alice and Bex who had somehow got infront of me, I CQCed Bex from behind, she wondered what the fuck I was doing haha! I then ran over into my actual queue. They spilt the queues into a-e for example (last names of course). I think my queue was a short one as I got my results first, that and I had ran into the hall lol. Excitement had got to me. The woman took her sweet time giving me my results, I was itching to just grab them off her grr.

Eventually I got them! I rushed over to the back of the room, I was going to wait for Bex and Alice but they were still in line and I really could not wait. So I carefully opened the envelope and saw what I got...B...B....B!? I squealed! People must have been looking at me funny but I didn't care I was so releaved! It meant I was definatly going to uni! I was amazed I maintained my B in Sociology! I thought I did really bad in the coursework, I went over on my word count and my teacher said they'd mark me really harshly because of that but they didn't because I got a B for it! I was also amazed I had infact successfully pushed my C in english language last year up to a B! That was the only one I was really worried about. I got an A in one of the exams! I was like FUCK! But I also got a D in one of them, so that evened things out! If I hadn't have got that D I may have got an A...because in another one of last years exams I was 1 mark away from an A. But I don't care, I did amazing (for me) and I'm going to Kingston uni!

Alice also did well, we thought she was going to fail as she was the most worried out of all of us but she got A A D! Which is the same amount of point as me and Bex (Bex also got B B B), it's 300 UCAS points. So she'd got into Reading uni! I was so happy for her! But Bex disppeared soon afterwards, we had no idea where she went. I was beguinning to think she was more disappointed than she had let in. I spoke to a few other friends there to see how they had done, then Stacey my Sociology teacher asked how I did and congratulated me. I then spotted one of my english teachers, John! I ran over to John and said "John I got a B!!!!" and he hugged me! So I hugged him back! Gotta love John, great teacher and so nice. Then one female teacher walked over and said "John are you sexually harrassing a student?!" and burst out laughing! John said "No, no it was a mutual hug!", of course they were joking with each other and I was laughing too. Hehe! I said goodbye to John and went over to find Alice again. We waited and waited for Bex but had no idea where she was. All the time I was getting texts from everyone I had texted, it was so lovely to get so many nice messages from people :). I tried to ring her but no answer, alice didn't get an answer either. Then she text Alice saying she'd be back soon, she must have been speaking to someone.

Then she told us she was in the library, we went to go and see her and she was looking through clearing. She didn't want to go to a crap uni but of course, only the rubbish unis have got free spaces usually! She decided she didn't want to make a descision on a whim so it turns out she will have a gap year after all to think about things. I am a bit gutted for her, it's hard when both your older sisters got all As at both GCSE and A level. I wouldn't want to have to live up to that...I'm sure she'll be fine though, she's so smart and she believes God has a plan for her so I said to her well I'm sure he planned for you not to get into uni for some reason. She knows I don't believe in that stuff but I said hey, if that's what you believe then that's all that matters.

When we were walking home together, I pointed out that we all got 300 UCAS points! Alice said we were the 300 gang, so I shouted at the top of my voice down the road "THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!". Was so funny! My friends thought I was nuts! Hahaha! So hyper and I also got a text from Kingston telling me well done for getting in! Wow. Didn't think they'd text me! My mum won't be home from work until 5!!! But I did text her to let her know, she said she was so pleased. I rang my dad too, when I got home he told me that Sue and Kelv (my mum and dads friends) had both rang and when dad told Sue what I got she said "Oh, is that good enough?" LOL charming!!!! Fucking bitch! I know what she meant but the way it came across was pretty nasty. Yes I am going to uni, yes for once in my life I do feel good enough! So shh! My housing for Kingston is confirmed and everything! £99.50 a week, ouch. Getting a standard room, gotta fill in a form and send it off, I also have to email Kingston to confirm I want their place, I will do that after I write this I think. Quite scary to think I'm actually going to uni now, eek! But I also cannot wait :)

Going to the student pub tonight! My dad gave me a tenner for drinks (awwww!) that will buy me 5 pimms!!!!! I'm SO going to get smashed :D No clubbing for me, I'm too tired!!!

Currently listening to: Hanna Pakarinen-Love in a million shades ( I really love this song, it *almost* makes me cry, it does however, send shivers down my spine for some reason)
"If I ever get close to you, would you open up your window? Would you smile and let me in? Our life could be easy, we could have everything. We could walk across the water, be heroes for all days, life could be fantastic. Love in a million shades."
Beautiful, no?

The day before...

Oh dear fucking lord I'm shitting myself about tomorow, SO desperate to pass. Ah well I'll find out soon I suppose. I'm walking with Alice and Bex at 9:30 to get there for 10am! I'm sure there will be a lot of nervous chatter on the way. Will be texting the minions if I have done well, they may not hear from me otherwise...:(

I had one of those dreams this morning that you don't want to wake up from, it was so nice and you wake up and think, oh yeah, in shit old reality that isn't happening yet, sigh :(

Anyway, I don't want to think about that right now. Today hasn't been the best day but somehow I feel okay. I think I'm just fed up so much I've gone past the caring stage now. C'est la vie! Things will turn out how they turn out, nothing I can do so not much point stressing over it.

I got up at 9:30 this morning because I had to go down town with my mum and sister. I'd had 6 hours sleep, after shopping I was exhausted, so very tired. The only reason I'd gone down there was completly ruined too, stupid building society and their lack of forms! So...blah.

Later on I made my mum and sister dinner. I made mini pizzas which was yet another dish Alex had taught me to make, if I survive at all at uni, it will be down to that man lol. Instead of using chicken as a topping (because my mum isn't keen on chicken) I used bacon instead which was quite yummy. My sister even thanked me by kissing my cheek and hugging me! She must have liked it haha.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, I'm going to worry so much. I know it's ridiculous but you can't really blame me, this is my whole life here! Well, kinda. Oh well...Oh I saw my parents secretly talking to each other this morning....I hope they're planning something :D