I've done something...

rather stupid. It's my own fault and I swear we, as women, do these things to ourselves. It's almost like we want to get hurt. We can sometimes be very stupid. I've just seen something, a photo. It made me feel sick, not because it was disgusting but because I felt so much raw emotion over it. It's taught me a lesson really, hasn't it, to not go through peoples stuff even on the internet. Simular pictures had gotten me down before but this one was different, it hurt me, so much. I've never felt it before. And well I look at the date and realsie it doesn't even apply, really and then me crying over something like that is ridiculous but I am jealous. I am constantly jealous, constantly paranoid and although I am often reassured by the sweet word or kind act here or there. I will always go back to feeling insecure until everything is fixed, everything is right. Only then can I be truelly happy and not stuck in this limbo which I don't deserve. No one deserves this. But I have done it to myself and now I am here and I'm not giving up on it because I want it, need it.
I realise I am babaling but I need to get this out, I don't care who reads it, I have gone past caring anymore what anyone thinks because I know in my head what I feel, what we feel. I am in love. There. I've said it. Declared it to the world even though they are not allowed to know but I don't care. Because why should I have to hide it? I'm sure most have guessed something to an extent already anyway. So, I am life 2. Number 2. But far from second best. I hate it, knowing that there's another life out there. It's a life that should not be shared, not in any way shape or form but still it continues. It continues because life is complex, things are not easy and people have a great way of controlling one another. And of course, here I am again being controlled. I do it to myself. I could call quits at any time, logically. But emotionally that is impossible.
I am going to stop ranting and raving now and go to bed and to hope it's all better in the morning. I hope my book arrives tomorrow so I can keep myself busy with that as my friends are some what occupied this weekend. I hope talking to myself has helped me.